


Or Because I Haven't Been Brave

by phezl



Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2013-09-25
Packaged: 2017-12-27 14:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phezl/pseuds/phezl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Caroline receives a new perspective on her relationship with Lizzie Bennet, as well as her way of approaching the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Or Because I Haven't Been Brave

**Author's Note:**

> I am ignoring canon after the Netherfield arc. In my head, Caroline after Netherfield never appeared on the videos again, although she continued to watch Lizzie's videos and did react to the events post-Netherfield off-screen and differently.

It’s June and Caroline hasn’t thought about Lizzie Bennet in two months. Well, not any more than could be helped, at any rate. It’s understandable, she thinks, that she is still nursing the bitterness of having been passed over for another — it’s the first time it’s ever happened, and unexpected weaknesses are always the most unsettling. They require the most effort to overcome.

To counter the unease with which the conclusion of Lizzie’s videos has left her, Caroline has allowed her resentment to take prominence in her heart. Doing so is a point of pride, like casually wearing an excruciating but flattering pair of heels simply to prove that being Caroline Lee doesn’t come easily. The longer she cultivates her disdain for Lizzie’s background, her family, her preferences, the more egregious her slight becomes. Suddenly the girl who she couldn’t keep herself away from at Netherfield, whose videos always drew her in against her will, and whose happy ending left her feeling restless and uncomfortable in her own skin, loses her influence. If Lizzie Bennet is nothing, then what should it matter who she chooses and why? Her opinions are worthless.

Caroline is very conscious of the whole process. It’s the consultant in her. She is a master of strategy, of damage control, and she sees no reason why being aware of her own practices should make them any less effective. Caroline knows there is power in scorn, if only because it distracts her from the truth. From the pain. 

The problem arrives in the form of a petite redhead, a sprightly and newly hired first year, fresh out Stanford, who is assigned to Caroline’s team for six weeks. It would be wryly amusing if it weren’t so goddamn irritating. There are differences, of course. Alexis has tanned, slightly freckled skin and a subtly athletic build, noticeable from her muscular calves and shoulders, that, rather than having an undesirable androgynizing effect, contributes to her aura of youthful togetherness. She proves herself quick and diligent, though Caroline notices a lack of confidence; Alexis appears to be the sort of person who mentally shoots down her own ideas, trusting the experience of others. Two weeks in and Caroline can already see her future reputation among the partners: reliable but not distinguished. Caroline would like to see her that way as well. She tells herself the appeal only lies in the similarities she can’t ignore. 

Alexis has a sister — younger, not older — that she adores. She calls her every other day on her way to the parking garage, asking about science fairs and young adult books with a genuine interest that Caroline, as an unintentional but not unwilling eavesdropper, finds unfathomable. 

She’s also well liked. She doesn’t know how to endear herself to the upper management, but she gets along well with all of the associates. Everyone says her name with a touch of fondness, as though nostalgic for her easygoing temperament and sharp but not unkind sense of humor, despite the fact that they see her every day. If Fitz knew her, Caroline thinks, he’d have given her a nickname on day one. 

On the last day of the project, the team goes out for drinks. Caroline has split away from the group for a moment, sitting alone at the bar as she reads Bing’s latest e-mail about his New York adventures with Jane. She’s happy for him — or as happy someone who takes comfort in her own cynicism can be for a brother who believes hardship is adventure. She does enjoy the photos, though. Since childhood she has found her brother’s smile infectious, and Jane Bennet seems to bring his joyful side out even more than he would on his own. She makes the mistake of clicking further and is confronted with a picture of both couples sitting on a bench in central park. 

She had no idea they had gone to visit Bing in New York. Darcy has stopped talking with her recently, given her outspoken disapproval of his love for Lizzie. She had chastised him when he returned from Collins&Collins, asking him what he could have been thinking, falling in love with a girl so completely wrong for him. She had warned him again, in the winter, to guard himself when Lizzie was at Pemberley so as not to fall into the same trap again. When he told her his good news in March, she had been cold, detached. She knows he has seen the videos. That he has probably interpreted her manipulations as those of an unsupportive and spiteful friend. Maybe even a scorned lover. He would understand and forgive her if she explained the situation. But knowing herself is bad enough. 

Instead of heading back to her party, she orders a drink. She’s ordered quite a few when Alexis surprises her by hoisting herself onto the barstool beside her. Caroline can feel her curious and sympathetic eyes scanning over her. 

“Are you OK, Caroline?” 

Caroline knows how to handle this situation. How to flip her hair, let out a light laugh, and make a joke while shifting her posture so that she becomes dominant, intimidating. She can make Alexis feel slightly uncomfortable, prompting her to retreat back to the group. She’s about to, when it occurs to her that Alexis is being transferred to a new project the next day and that, if she cashes in a few favors, she can arrange it so they are never on the same team again. Here is someone she can reveal herself to without any consequences. The idea is too tempting to pass up. 

“No, actually. I’m not.” 

Caroline appreciates the lack of condescension in Alexis's expression. 

“What’s wrong?”

Despite having decided to tell the truth, Caroline keeps her voice steady and nonchalant. Just because she is sharing doesn’t mean she has to share everything. 

“I fell in love with someone, and she picked someone else.” 

Alexis blinks, surprised by the candor, but continues undeterred. 

“Did she know?”

Caroline turns her head in surprise, making direct eye contact for the first time. She errantly thinks that, despite all of Darcy’s talk, translucent blue isn’t nearly as captivating as warm, chocolate brown. 

“Why would you ask me that?”

Alexis bites her lip, assessing Caroline with a look of thorough scrutiny. 

“You don’t seem very demonstrative. For example, I’m pretty sure you like me as a person, but there’s nothing specific you’ve ever done or said that I could point to in order to prove it.” 

When Caroline doesn’t respond, because she immediately recognizes the correctness of her words, Alexis continues. 

“Maybe you do or say something charming, but you turn that on and off as it suits you, so it’s hard to know what's genuine. You’re very cautious, Caroline.” 

Being cautious, as Alexis calls it, has gotten her to where she is. It’s a necessary strategy. It's the key to her success. It's the key to who she is. Caroline raises an eyebrow, challenging. 

“Is that a bad thing?”

Alexis doesn’t hesitate.

“It is when you’re in love. How can you blame someone for rejecting you when you didn’t even open yourself up to rejection?” 

Now Caroline is uncomfortable. She thought she had Alexis pegged. But despite what Caroline is sure are accurate observations about Alexis's insecurities, tonight she lacks no confidence. Caroline deflects with a scoff. 

“Why would anyone want to open herself up to rejection?” 

“Being brave has its costs, sure.” 

Alexis pauses, and for the first time since their conversation began, she looks unsure. She is not without nervousness. She is choosing to overcome it. Her eyes flash with resolve and she moves her left hand over Caroline’s right. 

Her hand is warm and Caroline feels her heart speed up from the unexpected contact as she is struck by a familiar sense of unease. She doesn’t know what is going to happen, and that makes her anxious. Or excited. Her judgment is cloudy. 

Alexis’s voice is softer now. 

“It’s easy to make decisions based on the costs, because the costs are knowable. The benefits are scary because you don’t know beforehand how valuable they are.”

She leans in, and Caroline’s senses are flooded by the scent of her hair, the heat of her small body, the pressure of her lips against her cheek, but before Caroline can react, Alexis pulls back and jumps down off the stool. 

“I’ll spare you from further crackpot psychoanalysis. Good night, Caroline. I hope I'll see you around.” 

It all happens so quickly, Caroline is left feeling slightly stunned. She is self-aware enough to recognize the humor in the situation. So this is how it feels when someone knows all your secrets. 

In the cab ride home, she thinks about her brother. About Darcy. About Lizzie. She thinks about how she has always valued her pride. How pride is a means of power, of control. She wonders if control is limiting. Most of all, she wonders if she has it in herself to be brave.

**Author's Note:**

> I just saw the movie "You've Got Mail" this weekend, and the scene where the protagonist wonders whether she's ever been brave, along with recent discussion about the "indiscretion" getting me frustrated again about how Caroline's story arc was handled in LBD, I decided to write this. 
> 
> Also, I am nothing like Caroline, so apologies if you think I mischaracterized her.


End file.
